Lopquimfud is a god.

She takes the form of a thin, ill-tempered donkey.

Lopquimfud created the planet Jupiter six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lopquimfud, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Lopquimfud, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Lopquimfud's most sacred site is Mazunte in Mexico.

Lopquimfud's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Lopquimfud.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Erect a large titanium sculpture of Lopquimfud on top of all buildings.