Pitortcem is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, temperamental cow.

Pitortcem created tapeworms three million years ago.

If you believe in Pitortcem, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Pitortcem, it will refuse to believe in you.

Pitortcem's most sacred site is Leps in Germany.

Pitortcem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in violet rooms.

2. Paint representations of nebulae on the walls of your dwelling place.

3. Erect a giant yellow sculpture of Pitortcem in the centre of the settlement.

4. Always make sure there are no bats in a room before entering it.

5. Snakes are not to be trusted.