Hasjarntun is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely thin, strong monkey.

Hasjarntun created the solar system nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Hasjarntun, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Hasjarntun, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Hasjarntun's most sacred site is Ylike in Finland.

Hasjarntun's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

2. Paint representations of galaxies on the walls of your dwelling place.

3. Never think about bacteria.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Erect a large nickel sculpture of Hasjarntun on top of all buildings.