Haslenbog is a god.

It takes the form of a plump, unthoughtful aardvark.

Haslenbog created humanity nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Haslenbog, it will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Haslenbog, it will boil you in a big pot.

Haslenbog's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Haslenbog's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Draw representations of black holes on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Erect nine tin sculptures of Haslenbog on top of important buildings.

5. Hide if five great tits approach from the west.