Futpidtin is a god.

He takes the form of a four thousand metre long, compassionate cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Futpidtin created tapeworms nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Futpidtin, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Futpidtin, he will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Futpidtin's most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Futpidtin's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Never feed bread to grasshopers while wearing white coats.

3. Futpidtin loves pigs, so they must be respected.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.