Tonzenvad is a god.

He takes the form of a very large, tiresome monkey.

Tonzenvad created the planet Earth eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Tonzenvad, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Tonzenvad, he will manifest in front of you.

Tonzenvad's most sacred site is Miiluranta in Finland.

Tonzenvad's Holy Commandments

1. Do not eat beans.

2. Never eat cherries.

3. Worship no other gods but Tonzenvad.

4. Always help dolphins in need.

5. Never sit in the presence of ducks.