Tofkamxuck is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, competent narwhal.

Tofkamxuck created life nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tofkamxuck, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Tofkamxuck, he will send you a sign.

Tofkamxuck's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Tofkamxuck's Holy Commandments

1. Do not keep seven porpoises in a large pit.

2. Never think about fluid mechanics.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of aluminium.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Always make sure there are no grasshopers in a building before entering it.