Kapvigtail is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, merciless guinea pig.

Kapvigtail created vertebrates three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kapvigtail, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Kapvigtail, he will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Kapvigtail's most sacred site is Turckheim in France.

Kapvigtail's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sharks in need.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not trade with those who eat coconuts.

5. Never think about nebulae.