Tofyimlik is a god.

She takes the form of a three hundred metre long, unjust rhinoceros.

Tofyimlik created life two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tofyimlik, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Tofyimlik, she will turn you into a plant.

Tofyimlik's most sacred site is Bertkow in Germany.

Tofyimlik's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

2. Do not hurt monkeys.

3. Retreat if eight goats approach from the north.

4. Never talk about quantum mechanics near eagles while wearing turquoise kilts and balancing four lead spheres on your neck.

5. Never look in ponds.