Satfetpak is a god.

It takes the form of a microscopic, intelligent snake.

Satfetpak created vertebrates two billion years ago.

If you believe in Satfetpak, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Satfetpak, it will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Satfetpak's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Satfetpak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Retreat if nine doves approach from the west.

4. Never talk about quantum gravity.

5. Never think about dark energy near snakes while wearing mauve corsets and balancing six titanium spheres on your chest.