Lanzedsas is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, dishonest snake.

Lanzedsas created the Small Magellanic Cloud nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lanzedsas, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Lanzedsas, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Lanzedsas' most sacred site is Gorbio in France.

Lanzedsas' Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Walk at least eight thousand metres per day.

3. Retreat if three otters approach from the north.

4. Erect a giant iron sculpture of Lanzedsas in the centre of the settlement.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.