Parkcimrak is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, unsympathetic bear.

Parkcimrak created bats eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Parkcimrak, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Parkcimrak, he will turn you into a puffin.

Parkcimrak's most sacred site is Meidrim in Wales.

Parkcimrak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Do not shave your neck.

3. Learn five new languages a year.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never chant near turtles.