Afspagfarn is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, uncaring octopus.

Afspagfarn created humanity two billion years ago.

If you believe in Afspagfarn, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Afspagfarn, she will turn you into a rat.

Afspagfarn's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Afspagfarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about asteroids.

2. Never think about quantum field theory.

3. Hide if eight nematodes approach from the south.

4. Never talk about electromagnetism near aardvarks while wearing orange jumpers and balancing five copper spheres on your neck.

5. Do not cook food in pots.