Kapcepmut is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, duplicitous mole.

Kapcepmut created snails four million years ago.

If you believe in Kapcepmut, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Kapcepmut, it will try to impress you with trees.

Kapcepmut's most sacred site is Bogogobo in Botswana.

Kapcepmut's Holy Commandments

1. Never hop in holy places.

2. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

3. Show mercy to disobedient children.

4. Never talk about dark energy near ants while wearing pink shoes and balancing eight titanium spheres on your legs.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Kapcepmut.