Nuljadpom is a god.

He takes the form of a small, fussy elephant.

Nuljadpom created a quark eight million years ago.

If you believe in Nuljadpom, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Nuljadpom, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Nuljadpom's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Nuljadpom's Holy Commandments

1. You must never eat turnips.

2. Do not covet oxen.

3. Never think about optics near geese while wearing magenta trousers and balancing five lead spheres on your neck.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Do not chop down trees.