Gofvonkfoss is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, generous narwhal.

Gofvonkfoss created dark matter seven million years ago.

If you believe in Gofvonkfoss, he will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Gofvonkfoss, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Gofvonkfoss' most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Gofvonkfoss' Holy Commandments

1. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

2. You must love Gofvonkfoss.

3. Always make sure there are no great tits in a room before entering it.

4. Do not covet oxen.

5. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.