Funcamteen is a god.

He takes the form of a two thousand metre long, sage slug.

Funcamteen created a bottom quark three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Funcamteen, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Funcamteen, he will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Funcamteen's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Funcamteen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear silver on your body.

2. You must pray to Funcamteen eight times a day.

3. Never feed lots of bananas to snakes while wearing pink rings.

4. Never think about deoxyribonucleic acid.

5. Learn seven new languages a year.