Batgarcin Stafspagpad is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely large, emotional giraffe.

Batgarcin Stafspagpad created humankind six billion years ago.

If you believe in Batgarcin Stafspagpad, she will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Batgarcin Stafspagpad, she will turn you into a snail.

Batgarcin Stafspagpad's most sacred site is Yongding in China.

Batgarcin Stafspagpad's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Batgarcin Stafspagpad.

2. Never talk about quantum mechanics near grasshopers while wearing yellow shirts and balancing three tin spheres on your legs.

3. You must pray to Batgarcin Stafspagpad seven times a day.

4. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Batgarcin Stafspagpad.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.