Jopxennurtip is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, unselfish seal.

Jopxennurtip created the Sombrero Galaxy eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jopxennurtip, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Jopxennurtip, he will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Jopxennurtip's most sacred site is Kardous in Egypt.

Jopxennurtip's Holy Commandments

1. Learn eight new languages a year.

2. Do not make images of living things.

3. Erect four tin sculptures of Jopxennurtip on top of important buildings.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Never talk about gravity near mites while wearing fawn shorts and balancing seven lead spheres on your neck.