Fetcamtunarm is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, moody tortoise.

Fetcamtunarm created the Andromeda Galaxy six million years ago.

If you believe in Fetcamtunarm, she will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Fetcamtunarm, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Fetcamtunarm's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Fetcamtunarm's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of zinc.

2. Always obey Fetcamtunarm's priests.

3. You must pray to Fetcamtunarm eight times a day.

4. Never talk about fire.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.