Tarpquamzak is a god.

She takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, self-confident alligator.

Tarpquamzak created snails six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tarpquamzak, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Tarpquamzak, she will try to impress you with rainbows.

Tarpquamzak's most sacred site is Zhelaizhai in China.

Tarpquamzak's Holy Commandments

1. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

2. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

3. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

4. Respect your elders.

5. Never paint your hands pink.