Bapvabnan is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, witless guinea pig.

Bapvabnan created dark matter twelve years ago.

If you believe in Bapvabnan, it will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Bapvabnan, it will curse you and those you beget for twenty six billion years.

Bapvabnan's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Bapvabnan's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if seven squirrels approach from the west.

2. Erect a large aluminium sculpture of Bapvabnan on top of all buildings.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Bapvabnan.

4. Never hurt sharks.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.