Zogtarjin is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, proud toad.

Zogtarjin created an up quark eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Zogtarjin, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Zogtarjin, she will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Zogtarjin's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Zogtarjin's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed turnips to seals while wearing blue coats.

2. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

3. Never think about fluid mechanics near doves while wearing brown tights and balancing five aluminium spheres on your neck.

4. Erect six silver sculptures of Zogtarjin on top of important buildings.

5. Snakes are not to be trusted.