Cusstarphiv is a god.

She takes the form of a two thousand metre long, overgenerous jaguar.

Cusstarphiv created the world four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Cusstarphiv, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Cusstarphiv, she will turn you into a rock.

Cusstarphiv's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Cusstarphiv's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Always make sure there are no monkeys in a room before entering it.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not make images of living things.