Hamgoffen is a god.

He takes the form of a six thousand metre long, selfish cow.

Hamgoffen created an up quark seven million years ago.

If you believe in Hamgoffen, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Hamgoffen, he will turn you into a hamster.

Hamgoffen's most sacred site is Questenberg in Germany.

Hamgoffen's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Hamgoffen.

2. Do not listen to music.

3. Always obey Hamgoffen's priests.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate otters.

5. Erect a giant orange sculpture of Hamgoffen in the centre of the settlement.