Batrip is a god.

He takes the form of a slim, ruthless raccoon.

Batrip created the universe five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Batrip, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Batrip, he will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Batrip's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Batrip's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your chest magenta.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Batrip loves monkeys, so they must be honoured.

4. Do not chant in public.

5. Learn nine new languages a year.