Nurtcemmeg is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, annoying elephant.

Nurtcemmeg created the planet Jupiter three billion years ago.

If you believe in Nurtcemmeg, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Nurtcemmeg, he will turn you into a small brown duck.

Nurtcemmeg's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Nurtcemmeg's Holy Commandments

1. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

2. Do not keep eight rats in a large pit.

3. Always stare at clouds.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. You must love Nurtcemmeg.