Geparnquat is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, dishonourable tortoise.

Geparnquat created a photon seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Geparnquat, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Geparnquat, she will turn you into a plant.

Geparnquat's most sacred site is Utti in Finland.

Geparnquat's Holy Commandments

1. Always help ducks in need.

2. Put Geparnquat first in all things.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Do not listen to music.