Batlopnak is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, awesome guinea pig.

Batlopnak created time and space seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Batlopnak, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Batlopnak, she will turn you into a goat.

Batlopnak's most sacred site is Metsimotlhabe in Botswana.

Batlopnak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not keep three foxes in a large pit.

2. Never write about bacteria.

3. Never feed beans to rats while wearing blue coats.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.