Batjenvanxem is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, tranquil dryad.

Batjenvanxem created snails three million years ago.

If you believe in Batjenvanxem, he will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Batjenvanxem, he will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Batjenvanxem's most sacred site is Outchimedu in India.

Batjenvanxem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Paint representations of stars on the walls of your dwelling place in fawn.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Draw representations of comets on the walls of your dwelling place.