Dogquamort is a god.

It takes the form of an enormous, bad-tempered newt.

Dogquamort created the universe seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Dogquamort, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Dogquamort, it will turn you into a blue tit.

Dogquamort's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Dogquamort's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your back cyan.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Fast once a month.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Never think about solid mechanics near tapirs while wearing gray boots and balancing five silicon spheres on your arms.