Loptarpkapcenkarjan is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, selfish centipede.

Loptarpkapcenkarjan created dark energy eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Loptarpkapcenkarjan, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Loptarpkapcenkarjan, he will manifest in front of you.

Loptarpkapcenkarjan's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Loptarpkapcenkarjan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your back.

2. Never talk about planets.

3. Fast once a month.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.