Flamtarpwot is a god.

He takes the form of a very large, emotional slug.

Flamtarpwot created dark energy six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Flamtarpwot, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Flamtarpwot, he will turn you into a duck.

Flamtarpwot's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Flamtarpwot's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about archaea.

2. Do not shave your neck.

3. Always treat voles with great respect.

4. Paint representations of dwarf planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

5. Never feed lemons to cats while wearing fawn hats.