Gebgepjan is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, duplicitous clam.

Gebgepjan created dark energy three million years ago.

If you believe in Gebgepjan, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Gebgepjan, he will jump up and down on your head.

Gebgepjan's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Gebgepjan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not trade with those who eat gooseberries.

2. Worship no other gods but Gebgepjan.

3. Do not run in public.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.