Beplidnib is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, cheerful tortoise.

Beplidnib created an up quark seven million years ago.

If you believe in Beplidnib, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Beplidnib, he will torture you forever.

Beplidnib's most sacred site is Saint Cado in France.

Beplidnib's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large aluminium sculpture of Beplidnib on top of all buildings.

2. Never think ill of sick aardvarks.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Beplidnib.

4. Never feed aubergines to ducks while wearing white jumpers.

5. Always look after injured squirrels.