Gilquagbig is a god.

She takes the form of a four thousand metre long, resourceful bear.

Gilquagbig created dark matter four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gilquagbig, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Gilquagbig, she will manifest in front of you.

Gilquagbig's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Gilquagbig's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Gilquagbig.

2. Never paint your arms violet.

3. Look mercifully on unfortunate mice.

4. Never think about the weak nuclear force.

5. Always help snails.