Kadlakbun is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, loving squid.

Kadlakbun created the cosmos two billion years ago.

If you believe in Kadlakbun, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Kadlakbun, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Kadlakbun's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Kadlakbun's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of silicon.

2. Always stare at clouds.

3. Always look after injured otters.

4. Always obey Kadlakbun's priests.

5. You must pray to Kadlakbun seven times a day.