Matkanbeg is a god.

It takes the form of a microscopic, selfish tortoise.

Matkanbeg created water three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Matkanbeg, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Matkanbeg, it will turn you into a slug.

Matkanbeg's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Matkanbeg's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Learn three new languages a year.

4. You must pray to Matkanbeg seven times a day.

5. You must love Matkanbeg.