Koportnak is a god.

It takes the form of a very small, temperamental grasshopper.

Koportnak created dark energy eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Koportnak, it will not care.

If you do not believe in Koportnak, it will turn you into a mouse.

Koportnak's most sacred site is Pisterzo in Italy.

Koportnak's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Always stare at clouds.

3. You must love Koportnak.

4. You must never eat grapes.

5. Never feed apples to badgers while wearing white coats.