Duncussbonk is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, strong salamander.

Duncussbonk created carbon six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Duncussbonk, she will not care.

If you do not believe in Duncussbonk, she will turn you into a small brown duck.

Duncussbonk's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Duncussbonk's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention monkeys.

2. Always make sure there are no goats in a building before entering it.

3. Never write about thermodynamics.

4. Do not hurt manatees.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.