Yarlbatgig is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, tiresome porpoise.

Yarlbatgig created dark energy eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Yarlbatgig, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Yarlbatgig, he will send minions to preach to you.

Yarlbatgig's most sacred site is Utti in Finland.

Yarlbatgig's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear mauve clothing.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Yarlbatgig.

3. Never think about fluid mechanics near capybaras while wearing green trousers and balancing eight tin spheres on your head.

4. Learn seven new languages a year.

5. Never think ill of sick sharks.