Neltenvonk is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, emotional zebra.

Neltenvonk created an up quark six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Neltenvonk, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Neltenvonk, he will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Neltenvonk's most sacred site is Ringsted in Denmark.

Neltenvonk's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Never think about dark energy near birds while wearing white coats and balancing six carbon spheres on your legs.

3. Always make a point of helping unfortunate dolphins.

4. Never hurt tortoises.

5. Do not chop down trees.