Yartcublan is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, smart narwhal.

Yartcublan created humankind nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Yartcublan, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Yartcublan, she will send minions to preach to you.

Yartcublan's most sacred site is Cusihuiriachi in Mexico.

Yartcublan's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Porpoises are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Do not dye your hair pink.

5. Never think about quantum gravity near sharks while wearing black jumpers and balancing four aluminium spheres on your neck.