Larphamcin is a god.

He takes the form of a very thin, dishonourable dog.

Larphamcin created light four million years ago.

If you believe in Larphamcin, he will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Larphamcin, he will send two she bears to sort you out.

Larphamcin's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Larphamcin's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if nine doves approach from the west.

2. Never talk about quantum field theory near geese while wearing white shorts and balancing five zinc spheres on your face.

3. Erect a giant tin sculpture of Larphamcin in the centre of the settlement.

4. Paint representations of galaxies on the walls of your dwelling place.

5. You must never eat cherries.