Tapwithig is a god.

It takes the form of a fat, moody porpoise.

Tapwithig created humankind nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tapwithig, it will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Tapwithig, it will send four elephants to rub you out.

Tapwithig's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Tapwithig's Holy Commandments

1. Always stare at clouds.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Paint representations of galaxies on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Do not keep seven geese in a large pit.