Jarnmumven is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, irritating lizard.

Jarnmumven created carbon two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jarnmumven, it will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Jarnmumven, it will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Jarnmumven's most sacred site is Snipp in Sweden.

Jarnmumven's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

2. Ants are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Jarnmumven must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Never think ill of sick whales.