Lakmatteen is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, unthinking snake.

Lakmatteen created the planet Mars eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lakmatteen, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Lakmatteen, he will remove you from existence.

Lakmatteen's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Lakmatteen's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least three thousand metres per day.

2. Pray towards the east.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Do not wear lead on your body.

5. Do not chop down trees.