Vonkloopyam is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, generous hyena.

Vonkloopyam created an electron four million years ago.

If you believe in Vonkloopyam, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Vonkloopyam, it will turn you into a worm.

Vonkloopyam's most sacred site is Auvillar in France.

Vonkloopyam's Holy Commandments

1. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

2. Erect a giant black sculpture of Vonkloopyam in the centre of the settlement.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. You must pray to Vonkloopyam six times a day.

5. Always make sure there are no nematodes in a room before entering it.