Yarpontarn is a god.

It takes the form of a three hundred metre long, proud wombat.

Yarpontarn created humanity four million years ago.

If you believe in Yarpontarn, it will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Yarpontarn, it will turn you into a mouse.

Yarpontarn's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Yarpontarn's Holy Commandments

1. You must pray to Yarpontarn nine times a day.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force near snakes while wearing brown tights and balancing five titanium spheres on your chest.

3. Never wear coats.

4. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.