Nurtciptik Quartbesszod is a god.

It takes the form of a minute, dishonest snail.

Nurtciptik Quartbesszod created a quark five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nurtciptik Quartbesszod, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Nurtciptik Quartbesszod, it will not invite you to parties.

Nurtciptik Quartbesszod's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Nurtciptik Quartbesszod's Holy Commandments

1. Do not keep three geese in a large pit.

2. Always treat grasshopers with great respect.

3. Never talk about quantum gravity near sharks while wearing pink boots and balancing seven aluminium spheres on your feet.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.